How to Master Difficult Workplace Conversations.
Have you ever had an undeniable urge to avoid a “difficult” conversation at work? You might have had sweaty palms and a racing heart rate signaling fight or flight as though you’re being stalked by an animal of prey. This fight-escape response is why even the most capable managers would rather dive for cover rather than face the daunting conversation head on.
Discomfort and fear just might be getting in the way of the most meaningful conversations of your career.
With the right set of skills, you can have these kinds of conversations with ease – conversations that may be your greatest act of leadership.
Here are five skills that with a little practice will change the dynamics of your conversations forever.
1. Reframe the conversation from “difficult” to “important”
This little cognitive manoeuvre, known in psychology as reappraisal reduces the threat response in the brain. More importantly reframing frees up creative, problem-solving capacities, which naturally lead to a calmer demeanor and more enlightened interactions.
Several years ago I was working with senior directors in an organization. They were discussing the most critical conversations they had had in their managerial career. I remember one director, who I will refer to as Jon, who recounted a situation that reshaped his thinking on this subject. Jon shared an experience in which he felt compelled to tell one of his new managers that she was jeopardizing her career by acting like a bully with their team. Having worked with Jon for some time, I knew that he would have been compassionate but candid with his new direct report. He capped off his conversation with his manager by telling her that she had a bright future with the organization and that his goal for speaking with her was his desire to see her succeed.
Surprised, the manager admitted that she knew she pushed people a little but she hadn’t realized the full extent of her behaviour. She had developed a reputation for being overbearing, but none of her previous bosses had taken the time to speak to her about how her actions were limiting her opportunities.
During our debrief Jon remarked, “I knew that someone had to step up and tell her how she was being perceived. It wasn’t right just to let her continue down that path – I was happy to be that guy who might help her”.
Reframing conversations as important conversations minimizes the feelings that you are going into battle. You aren’t. You are there as a guide and mentor.
2. Prepare for your conversation
What are you feeling?
There is this pervasive myth that emotions need to be tempered in the work environment. While it’s important to remain professional, we are doing our colleagues and ourselves a huge disservice when we don’t bring our feelings into the conversation. Developing an awareness of ones’ own emotions is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Being mindful that all emotions have merit can provide clues about when our values have been violated.
According to social scientists, labeling shifts the experience from reactive to proactive. In essence, labeling helps you move from fight or flight, in the limbic region of the brain to the pre-frontal cortex, which is known to help reduce the intensity of the emotion (http://bit.ly/1Dx4nmd).
Openly sharing emotions in conversation with others deepen our workplace relationships. Name it and claim it. This kind of disclosure can help the other person better appreciate your perspective and create a more collaborative atmosphere.
I’ve seen senior managers “fly off the handle” without any apparent provocation. Had I known they were preoccupied with a sick child or that they were worried about making the Q2 sales forecast, I likely would have responded rather than reacted.
Sharing your feelings during the conversation isn’t as risky as it seems. However, if that seems like a bit of a stretch, try labeling the emotion to yourself. Either approach helps you unleash a cognitive cache to creatively solve your current problem.
3. Take your time
Consider holding a conversation with a slower pace – this will allow you to make important steps forward. That might not be enough, however. Too often these kinds of conversations are shoehorned between other events in an overly scheduled day. You may need more than one conversation to come to a mutually successful resolution. Don’t feel you need a pat conclusion just because the clock says it’s time to wrap up. Take the time needed create trust, dialog and sustainable solutions that work for both parties. Schedule additional follow-up meetings or quicker check-ins as necessary.
4. Focus on the facts
Focus on the facts as you know them. Even facts are open to interpretation, so try working from the assumption that the person you are engaging is acting with integrity. Ask the other party to share their perspective and listen openly to what they say, and what they don’t say. If you assume best intent, you will undoubtedly learn something new.
5. Master verbal communication
Replace the word “you” with “I” and the word “but” with “and”. These are subtle but important changes in language that great leaders have mastered. Tweak your language and notice how the nature of your conversation naturally becomes more open and collaborative
Ask open-ended questions
The human brain has sensitive systems designed to detect threats in the environment. Making statements such as “the quality of your work has been slipping over the past few months” will have the receiving party feeling evaluated and judged, automatically pushing them into a defensive stance. In this reactive state, the other party won’t be able to hear your message, no matter how true or valuable it may be.
Asking questions is one technique to calm the brains’ natural defence mechanism. Question are inherently rewarding to the brain without triggering that nasty flight or fight response (http://bit.ly/1ba4dKF). Asking the right kinds of questions is key. According to Edgar H. Schein in: Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, he recommends making humble inquiries (http://amzn.to/1GBK2kq). Humble inquiries are “the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in another person.” According to Schein, asking questions temporarily empowers the other person within the conversation. The science supports Schein’s theory; lowering one’s status is perceived as a reward for the other party (http://bit.ly/1ba5xgP). It is this reward response that helps to build trusting relationships.
Here are some questions you may find helpful in your important conversations.
Questions to open up your important conversation
I need your help with better understanding__________(name the event(s))
What I am noticing is ____________(state the facts). I’d appreciate you sharing how you see this situation?
I’d like us to talk about what happened _____________(name the event[s]). Can you share with me how you see this?
Questions to further probe
Help me better understand _________________?
We likely see this situation from different perspectives, I’d appreciate it if you would share how you see this?
What is important for me to know, that I might not realize?
Questions for gaining commitment and closing your conversation
What do you think would be the next step in moving forward?
How can I support you in moving forward on this?
What support would be useful if you become stuck or feel as though you are sliding back?
How can I help you succeed in this?
Using any of these five strategies may be the gateway to the most meaningful conversations of your career. You don’t need to be perfect or even masterful in holding important conversations. All you need to is empathy and some practice using these tools.
Feel free to contact me if you, your team or your organization, want to learn more about having difficult conversations with greater ease.
